HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
You Might Also Like
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
War & Peace
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.