Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
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The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
You deplete me
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.