Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
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This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Love it! 👍😂
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Breaking news:
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*