A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
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People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.