Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
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I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Strange
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it