me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”