Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
You Might Also Like
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
crochet youtube is brutal
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
constantly working on myself.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
A couple who are silly together stay together.