COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
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Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
choose your gary
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Finally, a door that understands me
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Expectations vs. Reality
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off