Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
2022: I can fix it
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.