Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
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My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay