When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
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“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”