Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
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I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
happy mother’s day❤️
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
me and the Superbowl rn
absolutely not
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.