(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
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Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*