[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
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Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Gods work.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Shoo shoo! 😂
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…