what’s more important?
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Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
socratic questions
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Every time.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel