Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
😂😂
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.