I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
The real reason evolution started..😂
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster