ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
You Might Also Like
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe