Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
You Might Also Like
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰