If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
You Might Also Like
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
new career option?
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game