I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
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inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
This is I, Robot all over again
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about