I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
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What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.