[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
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fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Feels like the fourth month in January
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’