Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”