hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.