Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
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Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Saturday
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat