people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
You Might Also Like
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.