A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.