“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
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Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
LOL
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.