I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
A double negative is a big no-no.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”