Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
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*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Time heals everything 🙂
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???