If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
You Might Also Like
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH