I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
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Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy