Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
You can’t outrun your problems…
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car: