Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
You Might Also Like
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
sensitive skin
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby