they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
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Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Buying a well is money well spent.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks