joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
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I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
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HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.