In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
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“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.