accurate
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I put the h in mysterious.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.