when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
You Might Also Like
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Krampus.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.