Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.