Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
You Might Also Like
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.