blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
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I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil