[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
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BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.