CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
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Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.