As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
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people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.