My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
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If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.