My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
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WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Best seat on the street 😍
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.