I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
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Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
There’s no “u” in narcissist
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Yoga Matt
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin