How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
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Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.